I was telling myself to calm down.
I was paying attention to the way that I talk to myself.
I could tell this experience was different.
I’m sharing a personal story of recovery.
This is what occurred as a result of my earthquake experience. I acknowledge and respect the fact that real earthquakes around the planet have devastated and upset lives in complete and catastrophic ways. I’m not comparing. I learned long ago through Buddha’s teachings that things fall apart. Life gets messy. Comparing creates confusion. Confusion is the cause of all suffering.
My earthquake; here’s the first post, happened on my father’s birth date: December 6. In 2018. Within seconds of shattering everything changed.
In these posts, I am describing the impact and the unfolding of the healing process that came as a result. I intend to bring forward, with my small brush and pickax in hand, the gold discovered. I intend to share the gifts that were uncovered during the physical, emotional and intuitive aspects of this journey. I believe and I have proof, that we can all be The Alchemist and transmute the heavy-dense-lead within to shimmering- brilliant- inner gold. Not easy at the start, that’s a given, just don’t give up. Just be unstoppable.
As a woman artist, I’ve walked seventy-one times around the ‘Medicine Wheel of My Precious Human Life’.
These are the themes I explore:
1) beauty, goodness and fresh ways to express our True Nature from the womb to tomb.
2) vulnerability as true strength supporting us to release suffering and the causes of suffering. Scared/Sacred.
3) recognize that we are ‘each and all endangered until we put an end to anger:
taking positive action. Endanger/End-anger.
These three primary themes turn me toward my Creative Vision:
‘Making Life the Master-Peace’
I believe that we are designed to grow and evolve together. I believe that we can uplift and support one another in a shared journey from the shore of birth to the shore of death.
I practice the art of record keeping, journaling consistently since 1969. One of my first entries recorded my commitment to ‘communication as the most important thing’.
In 1970 I was working in a small boutique. A book fell off the shelf. It struck my foot and got my attention. I purchased the book, and still have it.
I scribed a poem, copied from Introduction to Yoga Principles and Practices by Sachindra Kumar Majumdar:
Save the self by the Self.
Never upset the self.
The Self is the only friend of self.
The self is the only enemy of Self.
I became dedicated to learning the way of life that yoga offered. Many underlined passages helped me think differently and to start to change my behaviors, thoughts, values, and beliefs. Slowly, over time I was able to find some inner balance. I had a long road ahead. I required many Next Steps. I underlined this passage and took it to heart.
YOGA IS AWAKENING
Yoga is the process of deconditioning the Self.
It can also be described as a process of dehypnotization.
Mankind lives in a general condition of hypnosis or make-believe.
We take ourselves for what we are not and
we take things around us for what they only seem to be.
We project traits, conditions and qualities
upon Self and nature that do not belong…
it is illusion which creates fear and bondage
_ a hypnotic condition.
We are asleep on the plane of the spirit.
That is why samadhi is called Awakening.
After returning from the ER, following the 2018 earthquake, BD helped me by making a space for me to cocoon and begin my healing process. My body was experiencing an overall shock. Things were arranged so that I was able to reach my left rather than my customary right side of the bed. I had a deep need for rest.
For-rest
Forrest
The day after the fall, using my non-dominant hand, I copy this passage from a book on my e-reader:
You need to expect the unexpected to embrace it.
That the things in life that don’t go as planned are usually more important,
more formative in the long run than the things that do.
The best way, I am to discover, is not always the easy way.
I Am, I Am, I Am by Maggie O’ Farrel
Later in the afternoon:
December 7, 2018, Journal entry, non-dominate hand, Drozda
Calm down.
Listen.
How am I talking to myself?
I needed to ‘get a grip’.
Fear bubbling up all around my edges.
Every fiber of my being tightening up.
‘tense-mode’
Intense
My day went from light-dazzling-off-the-surface-of-the-water-sunny-and-bright to the earth opening up, grabbing my ankle, smashing me full force to the ground.
The first week was little more than excruciating pain.
The slightest touch/movement and I’d cry-out.
I scared BD.
Fear
Calm down.
December 7, 2018, Journal entry, non-dominate hand, Drozda
I sat in bed wondering.
‘Was there another time when I shouldered a burden of this great a magnitude?’
Listen.
Yes. 1967 and 1968.
Deep breath
Doctor Robert Perchan. One of my heaven-sent sponsors tells me in the fall of 1968:
“You’re pregnant.”
Fast forward through the year of being made invisible, I’m back in his office.
Things have gone from bad to much worse.
Broken. Shattered.
He speaks softly, gently saying that he will be writing a prescription to treat depression.
The Voice
Not the first time within this tumultuous year that It rises from my core:
clear, plain and fierce speaking on my behalf:
“NO!”
I look him in the eye. “No! Don’t you dare write down that I am depressed! Don’t you dare label me depressed! Do not put that word into my records! Don’t you decide to make that a part of who I am! I’ve been through a lot. Anyone who has been through something like this would need some time. I am not depressed!”
He sets down the clipboard. He sizes me up. This is the second time he has seen me. I’m broken. Silence. I sit on the edge of the examination table covered by the soft green cotton gown. He’s completed the internal exam. He’s informed me of the STD. Now I’m sterile. Tubes of ointment. A scrawled prescription for antibiotics.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” he says as he leaves the room.
Numb.
The Voice surprised me.
Now what?
I must keep moving. Don’t give up. Don’t fold up. I have no idea what next.
Dr. Perchan returns. Approaching the exam table he extends his hand. I accept his gift, a small paperback book. Thank you. His gentle soft gaze is a balm.
He speaks to me like a good father. He says, “I don’t want you to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Read this. It will help you.”
The introduction gives me this awareness:
“I was carrying this feeling of failure in my bones.”
I’m young and inexperienced. Years later I am able to identify the generosity. He presented a lifeline. Now sitting in bed, once again shattered I’m curious to see if there is anything about this book/talisman available online. I Google the title: Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz.
I watch some old grainy TV interviews onYouTube. I’m awestruck to see the man who taught me to ‘give myself a spiritual face-lift’. I download the book to my e-reader settling in and imagining my nineteen-year-old kid-self being offered such good fortune. I read and re-read the book over the months of repair and recovery continuously marveling at the power of the words on every page.
Within you, whoever you may be,
regardless of how big a failure
you may think yourself to be,
is the ability and the power
to do whatever you need to do
to be happy and successful.
Within you right now is the
power to do things you never
dreamed possible. This power
becomes available to you just as soon
as you can change your beliefs.
Just as quickly as you can dehyponotize
yourself from the ideas of “I can’t”,
“I’m not worthy,” “I don’t deserve it” and
other self-limiting ideas.
Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz
My mother gave me a gift at age seven or eight. She knew I was struggling. She asked me to get a sheet of notepaper and, handing me a pen instructed me to write the letters:
C-A-N- ‘-T
She then instructed me to ‘Cut off the T’. She actually did it for me so I could see the fluid movement of her hands tearing the paper so that the T floated to the floor between us. She then asked me to tell her ‘what’s left?’ I reply:
‘C-A-N’
She suggests that I never forget that.
I’m on day two ‘after the earthquake’. Healing hints arrive and I begin to Emerge n See.
December 8, 2018, Journal entry, non-dominate hand, Drozda
Hi, Donna! I can’t help but wonder just how much the world would change if more of us read your words, absorbed your story, walked into that vivid world of awe and consistent growth that you inhabit and so lovingly share. One of the many things I can count on when I read your any part of your work, your words, is that I will have to grab another “bag” so that I can go back along the trail you have marked to pick up all the loose gems glittering there. You drop so many sparkling bits in every single offering you make to those of us who are also seeking! Talk about a treasure hunt! THANK you for another thought-provoking, heart-touching, life-lifting ‘journey’ through a portion of your life….I am soooooo grateful that you exist and that I am fortunate enough to learn from you this time around! And I would be remiss if I didn’t share my absolute astonishment at the clarity of your NON-dominant hand writings and drawings……how the heck did you DO that?? Do you practice ambidextrerity/ambidextroushness (oh, those are TOO words!! : ) I now feel totally inadequate as I ready myself to submit my handwriting for your update on LifeCycle. I am soooooo impressed!….by EVERYthing!
Hi Marianne … Thank you for your beautiful comment. Truly. I smile & nod when I read your words: “I will have to grab another “bag” so that I can go back along the trail you have marked to pick up all the loose gems glittering there.”
About handwriting …
I think I first started to use my non-dominate hand way back when, as part of my healing journey, I read The Power of Your Other Hand: Unlock Creativity and Inner Wisdom Through the Right Side of Your Brain – by Lucia Capacchione.
Also, I loved the experience so much that I began practicing in the painting studio, using both hands … I have had so much fun learning to move both left and right as though they each have something to say….because they do. That’s why in Lifecycle when we write our contract we let both hands have a say. Pretty cool ‘-)
Absolutely cool!!! I’m going to start making that a regular practice, too. Thanks, Teach!!
Good idea Marianne!
Using both hands in writing, drawing and any other hands-on creating in the studio is a way of activating the ‘quiet part’ of the brain.
Yes, we use both hands when we’re working at the keyboard or weaving or throwing a pot, so we can site examples of ‘both hands speaking’ yet it’s not the same.
When we draw or paint or even add glue from a glue stick using the non-dominant hand it tricks the brain! Then the neurons, reflexes, nerves, and synapses fire in a unique and empowering way. When we practice letting both hands give us important information (that is usually locked away for a lifetime, behind the closed door of the opposite side of the brain) amazing things appear to support and benefit the journey. I strongly recommend Lucia Cappichione’s work as a way in. I can’t vouch for her recent titles but her earliest work was a boon for me and for many of the artists’ that I worked with when I was ‘Artist in Residence’ for the Art Studio: Center for Therapy through the Arts.
Oh goodie!……..another “goody” from you (TOLD ya needed to go back and pick up another bag to carry all the gems you drop along your word-and-wisdom studded way! : ) I’m going to get that book by Lucia and excavate its riches, too! After seeing your left handed writing, I cringe to think how you must have struggled to read mine in my yearly Lifecycle updates! Sooooooooo embarrassing! But just WAIT until you see the difference by NEXT year……heck, it may even be legible by then!!
Donna, thank you for your generous sharing. You help me to see and approach things differently.
That means a lot, Robyn.
I suppose that is the very reason that I have to make this attempt to share the gifts that I was given … so freely …and at such a cost.
Thank you for this wonderful glimpse into your process of healing the wound of tremendous trauma! _/\_
Thank you, MM,
I was gifted with each breath of the way.
I have no doubt that this past year was a ‘boot in the pants’ to stop hiding.
WOW. There is so much here to be heartened by. I appreciate the sensitivity of what you are sharing and admire the way you’ve used your journal entries to open up personal revelations to the reader as you narrate your journey in retrospect. Your ability to reflect from such a young age is astonishing. Your ability to advocate for yourself is inspiring. You are a powerful soul, Donna Drozda. Am continuing to listen gratefully.!
Thank you, Donna, I appreciate the feedback.
I’ve been writing things down for 51 years, I needed to remember that I could, in fact, stop sinking and teach myself to swim. With a master’s degree in ‘record-keeping as an art-form,’ I am able to fact-check my memory.
I’ll be touching in on what helped me advocate for myself … another talisman … coming up.
Your inner strength astounds me – your ability to go within and grow and evolve is a inspiration to me and others. Mare
Thank you, Mare, I stand with and for each of us to discover and uncover the ‘burning yearning’ to grow and evolve that is inside of us from the first breath to the last … and perhaps BEYOND!!
I work with enough six-year-old artists to recognize … we all come with this joyful urge to express who we truly are.
And I’ve had the privilege of working with enough 80-90+-year-old artists to know that part of us doesn’t die…it simply waits.
The joy of being true to who you are … simply waits … I call it making life the master-peace with PWP (progress without pressure).
‘-)
Loving you and all you contribute to us to bring us to wholeness, freedom and unity❤️
Thank you, Janice.
Let’s make life the ‘master-peace’.
Let’s create a Corp ‘-)
Hi Donna! Such powerful sharing! I love how you are playing with words, creating empowerment where there was none in the beginning. Choosing to focus on the gift in every circumstance leads us to miraculous adventures. Many blessings!
Thank you, Kristin,
Your reflections are helpful. As many times as I have thought that there is a story here worth sharing, just as many times the dark parts have jumped out in front to try to steal the stage. This past year hopefully turned the tables. Perhaps now I will be successful, as I continue to, as you post: “focus on the gift in every circumstance leads us to miraculous adventures”.
Thank you for that frame ‘-)
Thank you for sharing. Your immense capacity for healing and resilience is inspiring.
Hi, Lynn ~ Thanks for being here ‘-)
Sink or swim…my dad the Navy man would often chide.
Sink or swim.
He wasn’t kidding.
I believed him.
I mostly believed in the first part. I didn’t think I was capable of the second part.
Donna, I am thrilled with your willingness to share all. What a listening doctor he was.Thank you for giving me hope about can’t to can. I’m happy to hear of your helpers along the way, just as you are helping me. I hold myself back so mu h. My ADD keeps me from moving along sometimes. You accomplish so much.
Thank you.
Hi Norris, I’m glad that you’re here.
Yes, Doctor Perchan was heaven-sent. I am ever grateful for his extraordinary insight into what would truly help me in that moment.
I had to forgive myself a lot this year. I found myself being very hard on myself as a result of this accident with the dog. I read your words and I know that you don’t hold yourself back any more than the rest of us. We all have met big obstacles. We each have a story to share… with strengths and weaknesses.
I experienced things this past year that compels me to ‘lay it out there’… As we approach the ‘opposite shore’ (a Buddhist reference to death) I believe it becomes all the more empowering to take a stand. Look at the treasure of a travelogue that you shared with us in the last MOCA studio on Journals and ‘record-keeping as an art-form’. You explored the support that met you in your early college days. We all have a piece of a bigger story that can be shared and that might be a support to others. As a Storyteller, you got this!