The first handmade trail at the tree farm retreat in 2013
After the earthquake, I was pretty scared. Terrified really. It’s not easy to tell when I’m scared. My history has prepared me well to soldier on…soldier/shoulder/should.
I should be able to handle whatever comes.
I can. I can. I can manage whatever happens. I’ll make it. I can do this. Can you identify? It’s a form of being unstoppable. It’s a form of courage in the face of trauma. There is a lot of current and historic trauma on our planet. You’ve noticed this, yes?
noun, plural trau·mas, trau·ma·ta [trou-muh-tuh, traw-] .
Pathology.
- a body wound or shock produced by sudden physical injury, as from violence or accident.
- the condition produced by this; traumatism.
Psychiatry.
- an experience that produces psychological injury or pain.
- the psychological injury so caused.
Last year, as a result of the dog/squirrel/boot/root fall I was offered an opportunity to STOP. The effects of the fall were so frightening that I had to STOP. I instinctively knew to review the roots of trauma in my history. Not to belabor. I’m a proponent of the Buddhist teaching, ‘Don’t look in the rearview mirror.’ I understood this was not about rehashing, this was actually the need to not waste a moment and to quickly segue into a deeper level of my healing practice. Metta healing.
It takes a minute to call up the resiliency required to face inner demons. It’s challenging to move beyond the fear. I was literally held in place by this injury. There was nothing I could do. My body required all of my resources. At seventy this is sobering. I kept hearing echoes of my father’s mantra, repeated for years before his death in 2005, ‘I don’t want to be a burden.’ I could understand why this was resonating through me.
I didn’t realize it consciously at first, however, in a review, I discovered that I hadn’t been paying close attention. The call for a shift appeared in my morning writing practice. Weeks before the accident I found myself feeling agitated. In my writing I found myself using a word I had never used before. Twitchy. I was telling myself that I was feeling ‘twitchy’. The word itself made me more curious. Such a strange word. Where did this word come from? It had something to do with my next step. I’ll share more about that with you later.
Several days before the fall I laid my journal down on my studio floor, I placed my bare right foot (the boot/root foot) onto the page and traced around the outline asking, ‘What’s my next step?’ I traced the foot that was going to take me down! I asked, ‘What’s my next step?’ !!
I didn’t know that a fear pattern was rising to the surface.
Then the earthquake created the rift and the monster was released.
It wanted to devour me. I couldn’t run away.
After the emergency room visit, I sat quietly in my bed. Just me and a low dose of morphine to dull pain that would make a grown man cry. (weeks later, I speak with a man at physical therapy in the beginning stages of healing from a similar break, he is a hulk of a guy and he cries from the pain). I sat in the quiet. I practiced deep breathing. It occurred to me to ask myself if there had ever been a time when I had experienced anything anywhere close to this. The clear and certain answer came back; ‘Yes. When you were nineteen.’
I want to share that mythic journey with you. It will be done in installments. It’s beyond a Humpty Dumpty tale. I don’t yet know the way in which I’ll put the pieces together. It’s a mystical and magical albeit traumatic tale all at the same time. I hope I can let it come through.
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say,
and what you do are in harmony.”
– Mahatma Gandhi
Much love to you as we travel new trails into 2020 … paying attention.
Junebug on the creek trail, 2020
P. S. My recently published Lifecycle Forecast (now in its 24th year) explores a bit of ground-work for the new year:
Pay Attention
I invite you to set everything to one side and have a listen
Donna Aiona,
Thank you for your willingness to share your journey in retrospect of the traumatic “break” from last year. You’re an insightful individual and we have much to learn from you. Installments may be all we can handle at one time. How often do we stumble, miss that next step and land in a mess by not paying attention. We lose our focus with past and future distractions, when all that matters is here and now. Looking forward to your story.
Thank you for being here Diane and for your comment.
I agree. Installments may be all that I can handle ‘-)
The trick is to not go back to hang-out in the energy of the experience but rather to scoop up the empowering aspects and bring them into the here n now…and not forget the courage that we each contain to move forward with each Next Step.
I second what Diane Mathias said above! I love your authenticity in your telling of your story of incredible healing and insight for what initially appeared to be a debilitating “break.” Thank you! Also loved the quote by Nick Bantock in your Newsletter about “eccentricity”: “It takes courage to open your eyes wide and express what you see and feel in a way that gives you and others the permission to articulate, create and challenge the *tired norms that neuter and suffocate*” Goosebumps…………. MM
~ Hi MM ~
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, this year offered me a literal ‘crash course’.
I will be learning what ‘each next step’ offers word by word…or as Anne Lamott would say, “bird by bird.”
I truly appreciate your feedback … agreed … fabo: Nick Bantock.
well evidently Diane Mathias’ comment is “below” but when I was writing my comment it was “above” oh well…
Yes, one step at a time… And you do it ever so graciously! 🙂
Donna, something in me keeps pushing me to write this to you. My hubby Joe died on November 1st 2019. It’s been a bit over two months and (now) a time when my life is beginning to settle. A brand new building of an old life. This building/journey is mine alone for the first time in my life, and at seventy is indeed scary yes even more so sacred/miraculous/magical. Sometimes those words are difficult to feel right now. Distractions abound around me. Distractions that take me away from the ‘real’.
Dear Cuz.
I am stunned to hear that Joe passed over the Rainbow Bridge in November and that the news did not filter through and land anywhere so that I would have heard.
This is definitely: “A brand new building of an old life”.
And … oh my, ” This building/journey is mine alone for the first time in my life.”
At seventy.
Z O U N D S
The journey unfolds. We will be in touch.
I’m lookin; UP^ and saying, ‘Fare thee well, Joe, loved and loving sailing beyond the Rainbow Bridge .
Wow, Donna! I am so looking forward to this series! I will definitely “stay tuned.”
What a gift you are sharing and I am receiving! Loving You, Donna!
Thank you Kristin ‘-)
I am so happy that you are here!
This article is stellar. As one who also lived through a life earthquake, I am nodding as I read, appreciating so deeply your authenticity and the clarity of your words. You speak what you know, what you REALLY know, not just some made story that you heard. As an experiential artist you bring credibility with you to the page. I appreciate this very much .
Donna, I appreciate your creditability in a time when it “feels like” everyone want to be seen as an expert. And yet, in your telling, truth shines through. That’s how credibility tastes and smells and looks like. It doesn’t require hype and banners. It just is.
Thank you for the weaving of this work. It is, as I said, magnificent.
~ Thank you Annie ~
***It means the world to me to receive your reflection on this post.***
I am ever-so-tentative about attempting to put into words what I have received this year. However, I am going to continue to take deep breaths and see what I can share … from my heart n soul.
Wonderful. Thank you for sharing your journey. Amazing about tracing your foot in the journal!!! Life is so magical. And scary and….
~ Hi Lilan ~
Yes…magical. And scary. And sacred.
I pay attention to the fact that scared and sacred are the same letters and what we take away all depends on how we ‘C’.
hugs for the Newest Creative Year ‘-)