{"id":8267,"date":"2020-07-15T17:26:06","date_gmt":"2020-07-15T17:26:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.donnaionadrozda.com\/lifecycle\/?p=8267"},"modified":"2020-07-15T17:26:06","modified_gmt":"2020-07-15T17:26:06","slug":"alice-is-my-wonder-land","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.donnaionadrozda.com\/lifecycle\/alice-is-my-wonder-land\/","title":{"rendered":"Alice is My Wonder Land"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Reader, I am remembering my commitment to my nineteen-year-old younger self. I share her story in her words. It is a story of courage as well as confusion. She is imperfect and deeply damaged. I hurt for her yet I remember that there is nothing to fix. I am so proud of what she was able to fashion as she slowly recovered from the events of her nineteenth year. The trials that she endured informed her willingness to learn to think differently. <\/span><\/h4>\n

She reads from chapter thirteen in the gift book given to her by the doctor:<\/span><\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

It is my belief that each personality does already<\/em><\/span>
\nhave a quiet center within, which is never disturbed,<\/em><\/span>
\nand is unmoved, like the mathematical point<\/em><\/span>
\nin the very center of a wheel or axle which remains stationary.<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

What we need to do is to find this quiet center<\/em><\/span>
\nwithin us and retreat into it periodically for<\/em><\/span>
\nrest, recuperation, and renewed vigor.<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

I am in my small room in this tiny apartment. In front of me, arced across the mattress, are the contents of the manilla envelope. I look in disbelief at the marks made by Alice\u2019s hand. Here is proof.\u00a0 I never would have imagined that Alice thought about me after I left The Farm.<\/span><\/h4>\n

The evidence is here before my eyes. I don\u2019t have to wonder if this time of ‘All is Well’ ever happened. Alice has written. The envelope holds her letter, plus four typed pages containing her word poems, along with four white sheets of paper containing vibrant abstract \u2018watercolor poems.’<\/span><\/h4>\n

\"\"<\/span><\/h4>\n

Cover Page, Letter from Alice Twitchell, 1968<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/h4>\n

\"\"<\/span><\/h4>\n

My First Letter from Alice Twitchell, 1968<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/h4>\n

\"\"<\/span><\/h4>\n

It Was Felled, Alice Twitchell<\/span><\/h4>\n

\"\"<\/span><\/h4>\n

Alice Twitchell, watercolor poem, 1965<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/span><\/h4>\n

Alice Twitchell, watercolor poem, 1965<\/span><\/p>\n

I read her words. I breathe in her colors reaching me from the distant land of ‘All is Well’.<\/span><\/h4>\n

I take her words in a second and then a third time. I feel her presence. I hear her. She is speaking directly to me. I wipe away tears of joy. Her words: a poem just for me. She is once again saying things that I do not pretend to understand. I hold this paper in my hand. She has sent this message to me. Just to me. I read her entire letter, this gift of words, once more:<\/span><\/h4>\n

 <\/p>\n

Donna Donna Donna <\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

Dear Lovely beautiful<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

Donna.<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

Tis my turn to thank you and also to thank that Unknowable Beyond Our <\/em>Knowledge God which gave us both, Life\u2026on whose path we walk towards Life\u2026Your gracious and penetrating letter plumbed the heights of my depths! How about that for a paradoxical impossibly feminine construction?!<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

We learned anew, deep truths anew! You and I!<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

Man changes\u2026man becomes Man, girl becomes woman and woman becomes WOMAN! Our humanity is potentially, no more than that! It must become high, Donna, higher than the angels, for so it is decreed!<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Our Lord Jesus Christ so said\u2026<\/span>and others as well\u2026 <\/em><\/span><\/span>I am thanking Him for the gift of you _ and _ since I first saw you; your lovely self has firmly imprinted its image upon my heart, my inmost heart! <\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

Yes, you will never leave the farm\u2026always I\u2019ll look up to see your piquant face and slender strong figure, your eyes with the depths of the High Ones shining through their lustrous grays\u2026and wherever you walk, I\u2019ll be with you\u2026my strength is vast, and From Beyond, for without Him I am empty, a nothing _ but O my path is that razor-sharp Path\u2026He helps me to be strong. So take from me what you will _ I know that you will use it wisely. We rejoice at your gift of yourself _ it gives us joy, deep as well as sweet.<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Lovingly yours,<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Alice<\/span>
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 August 21, 1968<\/span><\/em><\/span>\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

Thank you for writing _ thank you _ Please let me know where you are as you follow where your special star leads you!<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

 <\/p>\n

Alice has found me. Her words act as a lifeline. I am lifted away from this place and settled back into my apple tree, looking out on the meadow and the moving white cloud of sheep. <\/span><\/h4>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0I am reminded that ‘All is Well.’ <\/span><\/h4>\n

I have never received a letter such as this. I have not been spoken to in this way. I feel her truth. I feel my lie. How could Alice see me so differently than I see myself? How could she say these things … to me? <\/span><\/h4>\n

There is beauty here. I have no right to receive such beauty. I do not deserve this message. And yet I read what she says, I hear her voice. I feel the urge to ‘Yes!’ I truly do want to let her know where my special star takes me. What can this mean? I am yearning to discover what waits for me:<\/span><\/h4>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0“<\/span><\/span>take from me what you will _ I know that you will use it wisely.”<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

The Way of Life<\/em>, The Tao te Ching by Lao Tzu given to me by the Manager is my constant companion. <\/span><\/h4>\n

Verse 47<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

There is no need to run outside<\/em>
\nFor better seeing,<\/em>
\nNor to peer from a window. Rather abide<\/em>
\nAt the center of your being;<\/em>
\nFor the more you leave it, the less you learn.<\/em>
\nSearch your heart and see<\/em>
\nIf he is wise who takes each turn:<\/em>
\nThe way to do is to be.<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

These gifts from The Farm are tangible. I can hold them in my hand. They carry me to the center of All is Well. I hold the feeling. I close my eyes. I can see and breathe in the aroma of The Farm and its atmosphere, the sensation of that other-worldly air.<\/span><\/h4>\n

I am learning that I can travel in my mind and find beauty. I can be 12-years-old and creekside in John Muir woods with my sweet boy, Tippy. I can time travel. I can transport myself to sit in Alice\u2019s garden. I can watch grasshoppers pop about on the warm mulch, I can rest pond-side following the dip and darting of dragonflies. I am back in her kitchen. I see her exquisite marble sculptures surrounded by the large leaves in the indoor tropical garden. I am able to watch her move her hand confidently over the paper as she paints.<\/span><\/h4>\n

She paints poems.<\/span><\/h4>\n

This thread carries me back to the promise that I made to my unborn last spring while we were hidden in the widow’s bungalow. Before he came into the world and before I was made to leave him behind I spoke aloud and made a pledge. I wonder where he is. Who is caring for him? I vow again to keep my promise. One day there will be reason to be proud.<\/span><\/h4>\n

Alice sends me her thoughts. She helps me to imagine what is possible \u2026 I close my eyes and wonder where my special star is. I wonder where it will lead me. The first thing that I see is the sense of art-home that she has created. I imagine what it will feel like when I find my studio\/home. I tell myself that I will feel like ‘All is well.’ I will feel like being in the Alice Wonder Land.<\/span><\/h4>\n

The book that the doctor gave me is open on the floor beside my bed. I read every morning. I read before I sleep.\u00a0 Chapter thirteen contains this poem by Thomas Carlye \u2026<\/span><\/h4>\n

in a period of deep spiritual despair _ <\/span>
\n\u201cMy lodestars were blotted out; in the canopy of grim fire shone no star <\/span>
\n\u2026 The universe was one huge, dead, immeasurable steam engine, <\/span>
\nrolling on, in its dead indifference, to grind me limb from limb: <\/span>
\nThen, in the midst of this spiritual bankruptcy, came a new way of life.<\/span>
\n\u00a0\u201cAnd I asked myself, \u2018What art thou afraid of? <\/span>
\nWherefore, like a coward, dost thou forever pip and whimper, <\/span>
\nand go cowering and trembling. Despicable biped! <\/span><\/em><\/h4>\n

What is the sum-total of the worst that lies before thee? <\/span><\/em>
\nDeath? Well, Death: and say the pangs of Tophet too <\/span><\/em>
\nand all that the Devil and man may, will or can do against thee! <\/span><\/em>
\nHast thou no heart; canst thou not suffer whatso it be: <\/span><\/em>
\nas a Child of Freedom, though outcast, trample <\/span><\/em>
\nTophet itself under thy feet, while it consumes thee? <\/span><\/em>
\nLet it come, then: I will meet and defy it!\u2019<\/span><\/em><\/h4>\n

\u201cAnd as I so thought, there rushed like a stream of fire over my whole soul;
\nand I shook base Fear away from me forever.
\nI was strong, of unknown strength, a spirit, almost a god.
\nEver from that time, the temper of my misery was changed:
\nnot Fear or whining Sorrow was it,
\nbut Indignation and grim fire-eyed Defiance.\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

The author writes:<\/span><\/h4>\n

\u2026 Carlyle is telling us how we can maintain an aggressive, goal-directed, self-determining attitude even in the presence of very real and serious threats and dangers.<\/span><\/em><\/h4>\n

I want to learn. I especially want to learn how to become goal-directed. I want to genuinely learn to be self-determining. I want to discover the attitude that will allow me to follow my special star.<\/span><\/h4>\n

I hear Alice speak:<\/span><\/h4>\n

So take from me what you will _ I know that you will use it wisely. We rejoice at your gift of yourself _ it gives us joy, deep as well as sweet.<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

I drift into the landscape of my wonder land dreams.<\/span><\/h4>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Reader, I am remembering my commitment to my nineteen-year-old younger self. I share her story in her words. It is a story of courage as well as confusion. She is imperfect and deeply damaged. I hurt for her yet I remember that there is nothing to fix. I am so proud of what she […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[36,193,99,32,289],"tags":[75,327,326],"class_list":["post-8267","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-artlife","category-creative-life","category-donna-iona-drozda","category-starting-over","category-traumatic-injury","tag-alice-twitchell","tag-letter-to-a-young-artist","tag-post-traumatic-stress"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6htPT-29l","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.donnaionadrozda.com\/lifecycle\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8267","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.donnaionadrozda.com\/lifecycle\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.donnaionadrozda.com\/lifecycle\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.donnaionadrozda.com\/lifecycle\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.donnaionadrozda.com\/lifecycle\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8267"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"https:\/\/www.donnaionadrozda.com\/lifecycle\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8267\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8287,"href":"https:\/\/www.donnaionadrozda.com\/lifecycle\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8267\/revisions\/8287"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.donnaionadrozda.com\/lifecycle\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8267"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.donnaionadrozda.com\/lifecycle\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8267"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.donnaionadrozda.com\/lifecycle\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8267"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}